The Fear Ends Here

No one understands me. Some days, I don’t even understand myself. Does anyone else ever feel like that?

I filed for divorce because I realised this isn’t a normal relationship. But he laughs at me, tells me I’m overreacting, insists he doesn’t control me. He begs for another chance, and every time he does, my heart cracks a little. It makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong, even though deep down I know I haven’t.

My family and friends can’t understand why I still feel for him. They’ve seen the pain he’s caused me. They remind me of the heartache, the disrespect, the words he’s used against me. They know all of it. And still, here I am, doubting myself. Maybe it’s because I’ve been conditioned to this life. This has always been our pattern: he explodes over something, ignores me for days until I apologise for things I didn’t even do, and then—eventually—he’s nice again. Until the next storm. That cycle became my normal.

And I allowed it. For years, I let it happen. I’m still allowing it sometimes, and I hate myself for that. Because it’s not just about me anymore. I’m doing this for my kids too. I want to show them this is not what love looks like. I don’t want them repeating this cycle or thinking it’s okay to treat someone—or be treated—this way. They’ve heard the names he’s called me. They’ve seen me shrink. They’ve lived in this tension too.

One of my children said to me, “Mum, you let Dad treat you like shit.” Hearing that was a breaking point. That’s when I realised something had to change. I need to show them bullying isn’t okay—for children or adults. And that means standing up to the bully.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells, terrified of upsetting their dad. I used to be such a positive, happy person, but I’ve let him dull my light and crush my confidence. When you’re told over and over that you’re useless, stupid, a waste of space, you start to believe it.

But not anymore. It’s going to take time, but I am rebuilding. Slowly, I’m remembering who I am. And this time, I refuse to let him define me.

The Fear Ends Here. I Choose Me.